what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
