My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
