just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can't turn off my feet"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
