sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
