Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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