So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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