She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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