Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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