You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
