Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
