If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
