i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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