First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
