You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
