Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
