so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
