Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
