My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
