We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
