If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
