Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
