he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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