If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
