my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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