Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
