We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
