He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
