Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
