It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i think my cat just said my name.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
