I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
