I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
