Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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