This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
