I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
