im six kinds of drunk right now
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
