Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
