the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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