She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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