party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
