My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
well most of my day revolves around power hour
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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