Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
