she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
