yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
