Umm I'm too high to move.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
