I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
