There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
