I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
