You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
