I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
