don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
