ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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