I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
