i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
