i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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