You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
